


watching you, watching her

by regal_roni



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Jealousy, Lots of Angst!!!, Pining, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:14:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23632186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regal_roni/pseuds/regal_roni
Summary: Reader is in love with Jack...But Jack has a girlfriend.
Relationships: Jacqueline "Jack" Sloane/Reader
Comments: 17
Kudos: 52





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally going to be a song fic but it got away from me and now it’s going to have probably 4 chapters? >.< It’s inspired by the song ‘Watching You’ by Robinson (highly recommend). Just a warning this is gonna be an angsty as hell journey so prepare! Anyway, as always, feedback is always welcome :)

Your fingers dig into the porcelain tile as you try to stop yourself from hyperventilating. You rock gently back and forth, your eyes squeezed shut to protect yourself for the harsh light in Gibbs’ bathroom as tears slowly begin to roll down your cheeks. Your heart felt like it had been snapped in half and the laughter you could hear flowing from downstairs wasn’t helping. 

You hadn’t expected Jack to show up with her new girlfriend tonight and seeing _Sarah_ hanging off Jack’s arm had done nothing but make your chest ache. 

You’d always thought, or maybe hoped, that you are Jack would eventually end up together. Nothing had changed between you, nothing anyone else could see anyway, but something was different. The looks a little shorter, the touches less often, the sparkle in her eye when she looked at you, gone. You’d spent a whole 2 weeks trying to work out what had changed and it wasn’t until Jack casually mentioned her new girlfriend that you’d finally understood. 

She just wasn’t interested anymore. You cried. A lot. That night and basically every night since. You continue to play the role of a happy, supportive friend but you begin to wonder if you made it all up, If the idea of you two had just been a delusion you’d fashioned in your head. You really weren’t sure anymore. 

When Jack had turned up tonight with Sarah your smile had dimmed and the excitement you’d felt at spending the evening with the team vanished. What made it worse was that Sarah was lovely and of course she was because how else would she earn the attention of Jacqueline Sloane. She had an instant banter with Gibbs, one that had taken you _months_ on the team to be able to develop. Tim, Nick, _and_ Ellie all seemed infatuated with her as she told stories about her job as a criminal lawyer, which really should have lost her a bit of respect! Gibbs literally had a rule against lawyers! She’d slotted into the group so easily you felt sick. 

You’d felt detached from the room as you couldn’t help but watch the soft touches between the two of them. The casual squeezing of each other's hands, the smiles across the room. You’d finally had enough when you walked into the kitchen to fill up your drink only to be faced with Jack and Sarah kissing. It was just a peck but you felt your heart snap at that moment, and you quickly turned out of the room unnoticed and made your way up the stairs to the bathroom. 

Which lead you to where you are now trying to get yourself together enough to calm the fuck down and enjoy this evening with your family. You wipe at your eyes, brushing away the evidence of tears as you take deep breaths in an attempt to keep yourself calm. You raise your head, looking at yourself in the mirror as your breath begins to even out. _Get your shit together Y/N_. You repeated it like a mantra in your head as you spare one final look at yourself to make sure you looked put together before making your way out of the bathroom and back downstairs. 

Everyone was sitting dotted around Gibbs’ table when you entered. You take the only free seat in between Ellie and Gibbs and happily accept the glass of Whiskey Gibbs passes to you. The poker game is set up but with Jack sitting directly opposite you, you know there’s no chance of you winning tonight, not when your eyes were flicking to her and Sarah every few minutes. 

“So Jack, how did you and Sarah meet?” Ellie pipes up from next to you, sending the two woman an affectionate smile as Jack turns to grin at Sarah. 

“She got lost in the courthouse and I helped her find the room she was looking for.” 

Sarah’s hand moves to link with Jack and you watch as she rubs soothing circles into Jack’s palm. Your hand tightens around the glass and you quickly avert your eyes, taking a large gulp of the alcohol and enjoying the burning sensation that shoots down your throat as Sarah speaks. 

“She saved me from being late to an important meeting and I couldn’t help but ask her out, not after she smiled at me like that.” Ellie awws as you resist the urge to throw up. You know the exact smile Sarah’s talking about though. The bright one that lights up the whole room but somehow still manages to feel like it’s only for you. She’s directing it at Sarah now and you feel the jealousy churn in your stomach. 

You’ve just finished the third round of the game and you haven’t even come close to winning, always folding early as you forget to pay attention to people’s reactions and generally having a mediocre hand. Sarah just won the round, pulling Jack into an excited kiss and you quickly but quietly get up from your seat, making sure to grab your empty whiskey glass as you head to the kitchen.

You pour yourself 2 fingers of whiskey, down it, and then immediately pour yourself another. You hear footsteps enter the kitchen and take a large swig of your drink before turning around. You resist the urge to roll your eyes when you notice it’s Sarah. “Y/N right? We weren’t really properly introduced.” 

You manage your business smile, it’s completely fake but convinces the woman in front of you. You extend your hand. “That’s right. Nice to meet you.” 

Sarah’s eyes are calculating as she subtly looks you over and your eyebrow raises in surprise, a smirk tugging at your lips. “Jack speaks about you a lot,” Your heart flutters, “She says you’re a really great _friend_.” The emphasis on the word ‘friend’ is unnecessary and you can see the warning in her eyes that makes your smile turn sour. Your eyes narrow as you stare at Sarah unsure what to say as the urge to fight and cry kicks in. 

You instead offer a pleasant smile. “Well, I’m glad.” You turn around, stopping to grab the bottle of whiskey off the counter and make your way back into the dining room. Everyone, including Jack, shoots you surprised looks as you down the rest of your glass and fill it up again. 

“Y/N’s in a party mood.” It’s Nick’s attempt to lighten the tension in the room at your gloomy mood and you manage a small smile, sinking back into your chair as conversation picks up around you. Sarah had followed behind you, making her way to sit back next to Jack. She watches you as she links hands with Jack and you make sure to keep your smile pleasant and happy. 

Cards are dished out and the next round begins. You fold pretty quickly, with the shit cards and Nick’s not so subtle smirk you know there’s no way you’re winning this round. “Not your night huh Y/N?” Jack’s eyes twinkle as she smirks. _You have no idea_. You roll your eyes, tongue sticking out playfully. Jack laughs but you notice the way her eyebrows furrow slightly and know she’s beginning to notice something is off. 

You’d usually put in more effort to hide it, but you were just so goddamn tired. 

You’re drinking too much too quickly. You know that and Gibbs and Ellie know that too if the looks they keep on shooting you are any idea. However, you don’t realise _just_ how bad you are until you go to stand up and the room spins. No one notices apart from Ellie, they’re all too focused on the game. The concern in her face is clear and you sigh. “I need to go home.” You speak quietly and Ellie nods.

“I’ll drive you.” You don’t bother to argue. Waving goodbye to the team. Jack gets up from the table, following you as you make your way to the door. 

“Are you ok? I can take you home if you want?” Jack makes sure to be quiet as to not be heard by the others, her eyebrows are furrowed with concern.

“I’m okay, really. I just drank too much. And you’ve got Sarah, Ellie’s taking me home.” Jack looks like she wants to say something else as she bites her lip but she doesn’t, instead, pulling you into a hug.

“I’m here if you want to talk.” She whispers into your ear. Your eyes find Sarah against your will and you notice she’s watching the pair of you. You sigh and pull away, avoiding Sarah’s and Jack’s eyes. Jack returns to Sarah, with one last squeeze to your arm and a soft smile.

You can see Gibbs and Ellie speaking in hushed voices in the living room and you know it’s about you but you don’t care to listen already feeling the embarrassment from tonight catching up with you. 

Neither of you speaks for a while as Ellie drives through DC. “I’m sorry.” You finally say as you look at her. She flashes you a small smile before turning back to the road. 

“It’s ok.” It’s not. You know that. It was never fun being the person who has to look after the other person who got too drunk. “Do you want to talk about it?” You shrug as your eyes water and you quickly wipe away the tear that trails down your cheek, sniffing. “Gibbs didn’t know, otherwise he’d have told you beforehand.” 

You huff a watery laugh at that. “How long have you known?” 

“I didn’t, not for sure. Just the way you two look at each other sometimes, I thought there was something there?” The end turns into a question and Ellie spares you a glance. 

“I don’t know anymore. I thought so but now with Sarah, I’m not so sure…” You groan, slamming your head back into the seat. “I just need to get over these _feelings_. I’m normally better. Just meeting her tonight, unannounced and seeing how happy she made Jack, it was just a bit much.” You knew it wouldn’t be easy, you were pretty sure ‘feelings’ was too weak of a word now. Love seemed more likely but if you opened that door there was no going back. 

“It’ll be okay and I’m here for you if you ever want to talk.” Ellie offers a sad smile as she parks outside your apartment. 

“Thanks, Ellie. I’m really sorry about ruining your evening.” Ellie offers to walk you to your apartment but you wave her off. You stumble up the stairs and it takes you 3 tries to unlock the door. You don’t bother to turn on any lights as you lock the door behind you, dropping your bag, kicking your shoes off you stumble to your bed and allow the full weight of your emotions to engulf you as you cry yourself to sleep. 

You spend the weekend putting yourself back together and when you arrive to work Monday morning you don’t feel as fragile. “Morning guys.” You smile brightly as you make your way to your desk. “Good weekends?” 

Nick follows you to your desk, his face full of interest. “It was alright but it seems yours was good with that smile.” 

You make sure your smile stays in place as images of you sobbing wrapped in a blanket come to mind. You bat the thoughts away. “I had a realization that it’s time to move on from certain things in my life. Y/N 2.0 is out and she’s an optimist.” No one says it but you know they all know the ‘certain thing’ was Jack. 

“Well I think it’s a good thing, we should all try to be a little more positive.” Tim chirps in and you smile gratefully at him. 

After a couple of hours of being at work without seeing Jack, you head to her office. It’s nearing 12 pm and it’s almost unheard of for Jack not to have popped into the bullpen at least once. Her door is shut and you knock, only entering once you hear a muffled ‘come in!’. You’re surprised to find her aggressively throwing darts at the board. 

“I thought you said to never dart angry.” You quip, shutting the door behind you. Jack doesn’t falter as she continues.

“And when have I ever followed my own advice?” 

“Touché.” You walk over to the couch, kicking off your shoes as you cross your legs underneath you. “Wanna talk about it?” You wait patiently as Jack continues to throw darts. After a few minutes, she sighs, dropping onto the couch next to you. 

“Sarah and I got into an argument last night.” You resist the urge to ground your teeth. “I got called in yesterday, another team needed evals done for a few suspects. I was meant to have plans with Sarah and when I told her I had to go to work she got mad and we’d ended up arguing.” 

“But she’s a lawyer? I thought she’d understand.” 

Jack huffs, shoving a frustrated hand through her hair. “Yeah me too. She said I don’t pay her enough attention.” 

“You’ve been together for what? A month? How much attention does she need?” Jealousy seeps into your voice but Jack’s too preoccupied with her thoughts to notice.

“I like her and I think we could have something really great together.” Jack sighs. You want to scream, tell Jack how she deserves better, someone who understands the job. Someone who cares as you do. You don’t say anything though, just smile and allow her to tell you about how she was so happy Sarah had fitted into the team so well. You feel the positive mindset you’d been gripping onto slowly drifting away bit by bit every time Sarah is mentioned. 

You’re emotionally exhausted by the time you get off the couch, slipping your shoes back on. “Thank you for listening.” 

“Anytime.” You offer a small smile and Jack pulls you into a tight hug. Your head rests against her shoulder and you squeeze your eyes tightly shut to keep your emotions at bay. When you pull away Jack’s got that megawatt smile on and it makes you want to cry because everything suddenly feels better again.

\----

It’s a couple of weeks later when you next see Sarah. “Hey Jack, Gibbs wants them evals-Oh I’m sorry!” Your face heats up as you take in the scene in front of you. Jack jumps away from where she’d had Sarah pinned between her body and the desk. Their lips were swollen from kisses and you can see remnants of Sarah’s lipstick around Jack’s mouth. You avert your eyes, swallowing roughly. “Uh, evals?”

Jack clears her throat, jumping into action. Sarah doesn’t move from her spot resting on Jack’s desk and you avoid looking at her. “Here they are.” Jack holds the folders up in victory and you can’t help the smile that tugs at your lips. 

“Thanks, Jack.” She doesn’t quite look you in the eyes when she passes you the file, and there’s a light blush across her cheeks. You clear your throat. “I’ll leave you too…” You don’t finish your sentence as you back out of the office. You’re just closing the door when you hear Sarah’s words. 

“Does she have a tendency to enter without knocking?” Your face scrunches up in annoyance and you roll your eyes.

“Y/N? I mean sometimes but-” 

“It’s rude. She shouldn’t just barge in-” 

Jack releases a withering sigh. “I don’t understand what your problem with her is, she’s my friend,” Sarah mutters something but you don’t catch it through the closed door. “I told you there’s nothing between her and me! There never has been and there never will be.”

You feel like you’re going to be sick as you stagger away from the door and down the hallway. _There never has been and there never will be._ Just further confirmation you’d really hallucinated everything between the two of you. You don’t understand how you’d been so careless to fall in love with her. You should have distanced yourself the second you’d become aware of your crush but instead, you’d fallen straight into it without thinking. 

You can’t concentrate for the rest of the day and It only takes a couple of hours for Gibbs to get frustrated with you. “Y/N!” He barks. You jump, as you turn to look at him and the rest of the team. You notice Tim holding out the remote to you and feel your face heat up in embarrassment when you realise you’d zoned out in the middle of an update. 

You barely get through it as your heart pounds in your chest and you feel tears building behind your eyes frustrated at yourself for being so distracted the whole day. When the team disperses Gibbs lightly grabs your arm, guiding you around the corner, behind the stairs, to give you both a semblance of privacy. “What's wrong?” 

You sniff, blinking quickly in an attempt to keep the tears back. It works but your voice cracks as you speak and Gibbs’ concern deepen. “N-nothing. I’m just tired.” 

“Maybe you should speak to Dr Grace or Jack-” 

“No!” Your protest is too quick and too loud and your fists tighten in frustration when understanding begins to seep into Gibbs’ face. “I-I’m fine. I’ll be fine.” Your voice wobbles and you feel the tears threatening to break free as you squeeze your eyes shut. The tension drops from you as Gibbs’ hand rests on your shoulder and you release a deep sigh. “I’ll be okay. I promise.” 

“Go home. Come back once you’ve got your head on straight.” Despite Gibbs’ steely expression, you can pick out the different emotions in his eyes and you know he’s worried. This wasn’t like you. You never allowed stuff to distract you from your job even when something was troubling you. You’d always prided yourself on your ability to compartmentalise but when it came to Jack your brain just stopped cooperating.

“Ok.” Gibbs’ frown deepens when you don’t try to fight him but you simply don’t have the energy anymore. You feel everyone’s worried gazes as you silently pack up your stuff. “I’ll see you all tomorrow.” You try for a smile but your lips barely turn up. They all say goodbye and you make your way to the elevator. 

Jack’s standing in the elevator when the doors open and you hesitate before entering, flashing the blonde a small smile as you stand next to her. “Going home already?” Jack’s eyebrows are instantly furrowed in concern.

“Yeah. I’m not feeling so great.” You shrug, hoping she’ll drop the conversation, urging the elevator to descend faster but it seems to want to stop on every damn floor as people get on and off. 

“Are you sick? I’ll make you that soup I made you a while back, it always makes me feel better.” Your insides churn at Jack’s willingness to help you. That soup was glorious, Jack had made it for you a few months ago. She’d found you trying to pull yourself together in the bathroom of NCIS after a particularly trying case which ended badly. When she’d seen you she’d pulled you into a hug, muttering soothing words as you cried. She’d dragged you to her apartment, refusing to let you go home and wallow in pity. She’d made you soup and you’d chatted the whole evening and it had honestly been the best evening you’d had in a long time. You miss it. 

“Oh, don’t bother. I think I’m just tired. I’ll be fine by tomorrow.” Jack’s concern deepens and she reaches out tugging your arm slightly so you’ll turn to face her. 

“Are you ok? You know I’m here if you want to talk.”

“I’m fine, really.” Your smile is wobbly but before Jack can protest the elevator doors are finally opening on the ground floor. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” You hurry out of the elevator and quickly make your exit from the building to the safety of your car. You squeeze your eyes tightly shut as you hit your steering wheel in frustration.

\----

She’s in the bullpen when you arrive to work the next morning, resting against your desk. You make your way over and she extends a cup of coffee to you. “What’s this for?” You ask sceptically, as you take a sip and move to sit down.

Jack smiles but concern shines in her eyes. “Just a pick-me-up, I wanted to make sure you were ok after yesterday.” 

You can’t help the smile that comes to your face. “Well, thank you but I really am fine.” Jack’s smile is soft as she reaches out and places her hand over yours. You can’t help but stare at the hand in shock, as you swallow roughly. She rubs soft smoothing circles and you look back up to her in question.

“Just remember I’m here, okay?” You nod and Jack’s hand leaves yours as she pushes herself up from the desk and makes her way up to her office. You watch her as she leaves and can’t stop smiling. 

“Was that Jack?” Nick asks as he gets off the elevator, catching sight of the blonde passing MTAC. “I’ve been meaning to ask her if she can get Sarah to forward me that cold case.” And just like that, you’re crashing back to reality. Your smile falls away and the warmth in your chest freezes. _She has a girlfriend_. You hate how the woman could smile at you, touch your hand and suddenly everything felt good again and you were flying on cloud 9 but then you’d suddenly be reminded of Sarah and you’d curse your heart as it shattered again.


	2. chapter two

“Are you all up for drinks tonight at Rick’s?” Jack asks as she swoops into the bullpen, her trademark smile in place.

“Sure.” Ellie smiles. “Special occasion?” 

“Sarah won this case she’s been working on for the last 3 weeks and she doesn’t have many friends in town and I wanted to do something to celebrate.” Jack looks so hopeful as she looks to you all that you can’t help but agree.

“I’m in.” Jack's smile brightens at your words and everyone else chirps in their okays as well.

The rest of the day flies by quickly and before you know it you’re all packing up for the day. Jack had left a little earlier to meet Sarah and as you descend the elevator you feel your nerves grow. You’d decided earlier that not drinking was probably the safest option, after the whole poker night fiasco you didn’t want to embarrass yourself again, or god forbid end up saying something to either Jack or Sarah. Also, it meant you could drive to the bar and not have to worry about collecting your car tomorrow. 

“Getting a drink, want anything?” You ask Gibbs when you both enter the bar. Jack and Sarah are sitting in a booth in the corner and she waves excitedly when she sees the two of you. 

“Sure, beer would be good.” You head to the bar ordering the drinks as Gibbs makes his way to the table. The bartender is just passing them to you when Ellie, Tim and Nick enter. Ellie heads in your direction, ordering 3 drinks before she turns to you.

“You okay?” 

“I’m good. Drinking lemonade tonight so don’t worry, no repeat of poker night.” You release a self-deprecating laugh, Ellie smiles sadly at you. 

“I wasn’t worried. I just want to see you happy again.” It’s said so earnestly that tears spring to your eyes.

“I am happy.” Your voice wobbles and Ellie reaches out squeezing your arm lightly. 

“Are you?” You don’t know how to respond to that, and it’s all you can think about as you both make your way over to the table. Sure you’d been a little down recently but you still enjoyed coming to work each day. Your passion for the job was still there, just a little duller as you were so consumed with Jack most the time. Watching her walk the halls always made you hurt now and pretending to be ok each day was tiring but you loved your team and you couldn’t imagine not working with them anymore, they were your family. 

You just needed to make more effort again, you’d pulled back from everyone socially recently and tonight was the perfect opportunity to resolve that. You slide the beer down the table to Gibbs who thanks you before taking the seat next to Tim. Ellie slides into the seat opposite you, easily jumping into a conversation with Sarah. 

“I hear congratulations are in order, well done on your case.” Ellie praises and Sarah’s face brightens into a wide smile. 

“Thank you. It was hard you have no idea how many times Jack had to get me to take a break as I worked myself raw.” Sarah and Jack share a sweet smile and you can’t help but think back to your conversation with Jack last month where she’d told you about Sarah getting annoyed with her for working. The hypocrisy of it all made you want to laugh. “But the boy was reunited with his family so it was all worth it.” 

“And that’s why we do the jobs we do.” Tim hums, murmurs of agreement fill the table. An unsettling feeling fills your stomach but instead of thinking about what it means you focus back on the conversation. 

“-Do you guys know how good of a cook she is? She does this chicken and cheese thing that’s _to die for_.” Sarah gushes and a smile pulls at your lips.

“Has she made you her soup yet?” You pipe up and at your earnest smile, Sarah returns one of her own. 

“Oh god, that soup is glorious!” Sarah continues to talk about the food as your eyes find Jack, she’s watching you with a soft smile on her face that you return. Baby steps, baby steps and soon you’ll be able to look at the blonde without the ache in your chest.

\----

It doesn’t take long for everyone to get tipsy. You stay with your lemonade and you notice Gibbs was only on his 2nd beer so was taking it a lot slower than everyone else (mainly Torres and Ellie who’d just returned from doing shots at the bar). They head to the dance floor and Sarah looks at Jack exaggeratedly fluttering her lashes. “Please.” She begs, her head signalling to where Ellie and Nick had just disappeared too.

Jack rolls her eyes playfully but allows Sarah to pull her from the booth and to the dance floor. Your eyes finally snap away when Sarah pulls Jack in for a kiss. 

You move around the booth, so you’re sitting opposite Gibbs who’s still nursing his beer. Tim had disappeared off somewhere a few minutes before but you hadn’t paid attention to where. “You alright boss?” 

“Are you?” He fires back and you sigh.

“You know, I’m beginning to understand why Ellie got annoyed with everyone a while back when we all keep asking her that question.” Gibbs just smirks at that. “But _yes_ , I’m fine.” 

“Fine ain’t good.” 

“It ain’t bad either.” You bite back as you take a sip of your drink. Your eyes find their way to the dance floor and you quickly look away when you see how close Jack and Sarah are dancing, their foreheads resting against one another despite the loud music. They looked happy. Gibbs’ eyebrows are raised knowingly when you look back at him and you stick your tongue out in response, downing the rest of your drink as you head to the bar. You order another lemonade despite how much you’re tempted to order something a lot stronger. You’re just collecting your drink when a pretty redhead comes up to you. “Hi. I’m Maya” 

The woman extends her hand and you shake it. “Y/N.” You smile. 

“Can I buy you a drink?” 

You signal to your already full glass of lemonade. “I’ve already got one.” 

“Ok...How about some company?” You look at Maya and then to the dance floor to Jack. She’s being spun around the dance floor by Sarah and looks blissfully happy.

“Sure.” Your smile is small but this was the right thing to do. Time to move on. You sit down on the stool behind you and Maya sits next to you. She’s a little smaller than you, in a short bodycon dress that hugs her petite body. 

“So, what brings you here tonight?” 

You smile as you signal to the dance floor with your head. “Drinks with coworkers. How about you?” 

Maya shrugs. “Just fancied getting out of the house. What do you do for work?” You both fall into easy conversation, her face lights up when you explain your job. She’s a technical specialist and works for a startup company you hadn’t heard of. Your mind drifts away from work and Jack as you focus on the woman in front of you. Her hand is drawing patterns on your leg as you talk and she’s got a devilish smirk on her face. 

She kisses you and you only pull away when you hear Nick’s whoop from the dance floor. You roll your eyes at him not noticing Jack’s face dropping as she heads back to the table. You flirt back and forth for a while more but it isn’t long before the kisses become more often and more heated. “Do you want to get out of here?” She asks, her green eyes twinkling. 

“Sure, let me just grab my stuff and say goodbye to my friends.” You leave with a promise to return in a minute and head back over to the table. You’re grabbing your coat and bag when you notice Jack and Sarah arguing in the corner of the room. You can’t hear them from here but Tim notices your concerned expression and follows your eyes. “They’ve been arguing for the last few minutes. I think Jack wants to go home but Sarah’s kicking off.”

Sarah storms off and Jack frustratedly runs a hand through her hair, palm slamming against the wall. You look back at Maya chewing your lip and then against your better judgement place your stuff back down and head over to Jack. 

“Hey, what’s happened? Are you ok?” You touch Jack’s shoulder and she jumps back at the contact, she’s wiping at her eyes and doesn’t look at you as she speaks.

“Yeah I’m fine, I just want to go home.” 

“Where’s Sarah? I can take you home.” Jack’s phone pings from her pocket and she pulls it out, her face dropping as she reads the text. 

“She left.” Jack shakes her head in disbelief. 

“Let me take you home.” You touch her arm again and this time she doesn’t pull away but looks to you and then over your shoulder. 

She clears her throat. “I don’t want to interrupt your evening, I can get an uber.” You look between Maya and Jack but you know your decision is already made.

“It’s fine. Let’s go grab our stuff.” You guide her back to the table, leaving her to collect her bag and say goodbye to the team as you make your way over to Maya. “I’m really sorry-” 

Maya cuts you off with a hand. “It’s okay. Friends first, I get it.” She turns around and walks away and you make your way back to Jack. Your hand ghosts her waist as you say goodbye to the team and guide her from the bar. Ellie gives you a very pointed look that you ignore. 

Her apartment isn’t too far from the bar so it doesn’t take long to drive there. You park the car and Jack waves off any attempt for your help as she makes her way to her apartment. You follow behind anyway and when she unlocks the door she leaves it open which you take as an invitation to come in. She stumbles off in the direction of, you assume, her bedroom and you head to the kitchen and fill up a large glass of water and grab the painkillers you were sure she was going to need in the morning. 

Jack’s lying on her bed, dressed in an oversized green army t-shirt. Your eyes notice the clothes littering the floor but pay them no mind as you make your way over. “Sit up and drink this.” You say softly, perching next to her on the edge of the bed. Jack props herself up slightly, leaning against the headboard as she takes small sips. 

“Thank you,” Jack mutters, passing you back the now half-empty glass and you place it on her side table so it’s there in the morning. 

“It’s okay.” The room is dark, the only light coming from the hallway but it’s enough for you to be able to make out Jack’s face as she sinks further into the pillows. Her eyes are teary as she stares at you. 

“I miss you.” 

You clear your throat, suddenly desperate to be out of this room. “I should go.” You start to get up but she grabs your hand, stilling you. Your eyes squeeze shut as you curse Jack for never making anything easy for you and take a deep breath before turning back to her.

“Please don’t go.” Her eyes plead and you wish you had the willpower to refuse, but instead, you just sink back into the area you’d just vacated. 

“Did you want to talk about what happened with Sarah?” 

Jack shakes her head. Her eyes are wide when they stare at you. “You don’t like her much, do you?” 

Your mouth snaps open, not prepared for that question. “I like her if she makes you happy.” You finally say, shrugging. “And she does, doesn’t she?” 

Jack nods.

“Good.” Her eyes close as she sinks back into the pillows. She’s laying on top of the covers, her toned legs out and you try very hard to not look at them or at the t-shirt that’s sitting dangerously high on her thighs. When she doesn’t move after a few more minutes you think she’s fallen asleep and you go to move from the bed but her hand flies out again stopping you. You sigh. “Jack, I need to get home.” 

When you turn back to face her you don’t expect her to be so close. She’s sitting up and your eyes squeeze shut when her hand comes up to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear before her fingers softly brush down your jawline. You hold back a whimper as her touch sets you on fire. She’s so close you can feel her breath against your cheek “Jack” It’s a plea, for her to stop or continue you don’t know but when you slowly open your eyes and turn to face her you can see an ocean of emotions whirling through her eyes. All you’d have to do is lean forward a few inches and your lips would touch but as she takes a shaky breath you smell the alcohol waft from her mouth and instantly rip away from her, standing from the bed and moving to the other side of the room. _She’s drunk_.

You can feel her eyes on you but you can’t look at her as your hands squeeze tightly in fists and you try to control the rage and sorrow that’s building within you. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow.” You barely make it out of her apartment before your hand flies to your mouth to cover the onset of loud sobs that rip from your throat. Tears are spilling down your cheeks in streams as you lean back against the wall, the hard stone scratching your back helps to keep you grounded enough as you try to swallow back your cries. It takes you 10 minutes to calm down enough to get to your car and then the sobs are back with fall force. It’s another 30 minutes before they subside, and only then are you able to drive yourself home.

\----

You don’t feel anything but numb when you wake up the next morning. You robotically get ready for the day, following the actions of your routine without any thought. You don’t even remember your journey to work only coming too once a car behind you beeps prompting you to drive into a parking space. Ellie’s the only one in when you get off the elevator and she hands you a coffee cup in greeting.

“Thanks.” You respond, taking a sip of the coffee and enjoying the burning sensation that followed. It felt nice to feel something. 

“Did you get home ok?” She asks, following you as you make your way to your desk. Her voice is full of concern and you see the thousand different questions she wants to ask.

“Yeah. I dropped Jack home and then went home myself.” You shrug and Ellie’s eyes narrow as she watches you set up for the day. 

“And that’s it?” The disbelief in Ellie’s tone makes you bristle. 

“Yes, _that’s it_.” Your tone is sharp and Ellie’s hands hold up in mock surrender as she backs away from your desk. 

You keep your head buried in your work for the next hour and no one bothers you as Ellie signals to them that you were in a bad mood when they arrive. It would irk you but you’re too relieved to not have to put on a front for them that you let it pass. You only look up from your desk when Gibbs enters the room, “Grab your gear. We’ve got a body.” 

Gibbs gets you to bag and tag evidence which you’re thankful for because it means you don’t have to interview any witnesses or family and means you could pretty much work undisturbed and in silence, as you focus on the familiar routine. It takes less than 2 hours though and before you know it you’re all on your way back to the navy yard. 

Jack’s standing in the middle of the bullpen when you get off the elevator and it causes you to halt in your tracks. Nick walks into you at your sudden stop. “What the-” 

You clear your throat, “Sorry.” Jack is watching you closely as you make your way further into the room. When you finally meet her eyes she offers you a hesitant smile. You swallow roughly but do the same. 

“Feeling alright this morning Jack?” Gibbs asks as he takes his seat at his desk finally drawing Jack’s attention from you. You sit down at your desk. A light blush hits Jack’s cheeks and she clears her throat. 

“Yes, thank you. Would it be okay to borrow Y/N for a few minutes?” Gibbs’ eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Jack never asked permission and you wondered if she was hoping for him to say no. 

“Yeah sure.” Gibbs nods, turning his attention to his computer. Jack’s fiddling with her hands, radiating the nerves you feel yourself when she looks to you. Every part of you is screaming to stay exactly where you are but everyone is already watching you and this conversation needs to be had, so you rise from your chair, avoiding everyone’s (especially Jack’s) eyes as you head to her office. 

You stand in the middle of the room awkwardly, unsure what to do as she shuts the door behind her.“I wanted to apologise, I shouldn’t have...with the touching and the almost...” She trails off, clearing her throat as her eyes fall to your lips.

“It’s fine.” Your voice is hoarse. Jack’s watching you closely but you can’t bring yourself to look up to her, wanting nothing more than to run from the room. It’s only when Jack steps closer that your eyes snap up. She wants to reach out, pull you into a hug, but instead, she stays still and begins fiddling with her hands again. You cough. “You were drunk. You didn’t know what you were doing.” 

“Right.” Jack nods, shame shining brightly in her eyes. “But we’re okay, right?” 

“Yeah. Of course.” You manage a small smile but it does nothing to deflate Jack’s nerves. She smiles at you and all you can think about is her fingers stroking your jaw and her breath brushing your lips. You clear your throat. “Well, I should get back. To the case.” 

Jack nods, stepping away from the door. “Yes, of course.” You move to walk past her but she stops you with a feather-light touch to your arm. You still jolt in surprise. Tears shine in Jack’s eyes as she scans your face. She’s looking for something, you don’t know what, but you don’t think she finds it as her shoulders deflate, a sad sigh escaping her lips as she steps back. “I’ll see you later.” She walks towards her desk and you exit the room as you struggle to breathe. 

You couldn’t do this anymore. 

You couldn’t work with her every day. You couldn’t be around her. 

You love her so much it was destroying you.


	3. chapter three

The offer comes a week or so later. You’ve been headhunted a couple of times since you started working at NCIS 5 years ago, but you’ve always turned them down without a second thought. However, when the call comes through this time you listen to the DOD agent’s whole offer and agree to think about it. The second the call ends guilt churns through your stomach as you think over what it would mean to actually leave NCIS. 

You enjoyed your job but Ellie was right that you weren’t happy there anymore. You couldn’t be, not when Jack was around you constantly. Everything felt duller and there was no excitement turning up to the office each day. Most day’s just consisted of you trying to keep yourself together every time she appeared, which was often, and it was affecting your ability to work, your instincts were slacking and even if the others were too polite to say anything they’d definitely noticed. 

On the better days, you could get through without much incident. Jack had been the same with you since the night at the bar, and despite the pain you felt every time you saw her, you could never say no to her and _that_ was what would be your downfall. 

A fresh start didn’t sound like a bad thing. It wasn’t like you’d never see them again. You’d still be in Washington and it was common enough for the DOD to interact with NCIS so you’d probably cross paths with them on cases. You’d see them outside the office as well. Ellie had been taking weekly yoga classes with you for the past year anyway. It would just give you a break, time to heal and get over your feelings because working with Jack every day was just cutting you apart. You couldn’t do it anymore. 

You don’t realise you’re crying until it becomes difficult to breathe. Your arms wrap around your waist as tears stream down your cheeks. You grieve that night. Grieve for Jack, grieve for the team, the family you might lose. The thing was it didn’t feel wrong, It didn’t feel like you were just running away. It felt right, like it was time to move on. 

When you get the chance to tour around the DOD a couple of weeks later, being shown what could possibly be your office and bribed with the promise of having a team of your own, you know it’s time to tell Gibbs. 

\----

The whole drive to Gibbs’ house your nerves are in turmoil. His door is, unsurprisingly, unlocked and with a shout of his name, that receives no response, you head to his basement. He’s working on his boat and barely spares a glance in your direction as you descend the stairs unable to control your fidgeting hands. “Hey, Gibbs.” 

He pours 2 glasses of whiskey as you slowly make your way over, placing one in your hand. “Thanks.” You take a slow sip using the delay to gather your thoughts. You’d planned a whole speech but now, standing in front of him, none of it felt good enough. 

“Got somethin’ on your mind?” 

You square your shoulders at his words, pulling together all the confidence you can muster. “The DOD has offered me a job...And I’m thinking of taking it.” You down the rest of the whiskey in one glug to avoid looking at the man in front of you, dumping the glass on the table.

“Ok.” 

Eyes narrowing you look back up to him. “Ok?” 

Gibbs shrugs. “I can’t say I’m surprised...Doesn’t mean I won’t miss ya though.” Tears instantly fill your eyes and Gibbs pulls you into a tight hug. You bury your face in the fabric of his t-shirt as tears trickle down your cheeks. “Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons.” 

Huffing a laugh you pull back from his hug. “What are the wrong reasons?” His steel-blue eyes stare at you. “I can’t be around her every day. I know I’ve been half the agent I usually am the last couple of months. I’ve tried so many different ways to get past my feelings but every time I start something happens that sends me spiralling back to square one again.” You choke a laugh, voice catching in your throat. “Y-you should change rule 12 to never fall in love with your coworker.” 

Gibbs sighs, pulling you back into another tight hug. He places a kiss on the top of your head. “Just make sure you tell her.” You aren’t sure if he’s talking about you leaving or that you’re in love with her but it doesn’t matter, you just hug him closer.

\----

You accept the job offer at the DOD the following week and the next morning you hand in your resignation letter into HR. 

Tim, Nick and Ellie are laughing together in the bullpen when you arrive. A sad smile crosses your face and Ellie’s laughter falters when she sees you. She’s up from her desk in seconds. “What’s happened?” The other two’s laughter trails off as they turn to face you. Faces filled with concern, confusion and dread look at you. You were really going to miss them.

“I uh, I just handed in my two weeks notice.” Ellie’s pulling you into a tight hug before you even finish talking. You were pretty sure she’d suspected this was coming for the last few weeks. 

“Are you leaving DC?” Nick asks, hand resting on your shoulder. You shake your head, wiping away a few tears that had escaped.

“No. I’ve got a job with the DOD. My own team, you know? So I’ll still be close. Don’t worry you can’t get rid of me completely.” You try for a joke but it falls flat at Nick’s sad expression. He pulls you into a hug and then seconds later Tim is doing the same. 

“Oh come on guys, I’ll make sure to keep bugging you once I’m gone and I’m sure we’ll get to fight over jurisdiction.” Tim releases a sad chuckle. Your eyebrows furrow as you notice Ellie smiling sadly as she stared at something behind you. 

You turn around, gulping when you notice it’s Jack. Her eyes are filled with unshed tears. “You’re leaving?” The disbelief in her voice makes your heartache.

“Yeah. Two weeks.” 

“Why?” 

“The DOD offered me-” 

“No.” Jack shakes her head, tone sharp. Your eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “No. You’ve had job offers before but you’ve always turned them down. _Why_ are you leaving?” 

“Jack-” You can’t look at her as your voice hitches, very aware of the fact that you were currently standing in the bullpen and people were watching. “I’ve been here for 5 years. I thought it was time to move on.” 

Jack huffs at that, shaking her head. “I-” Her voice cracks and you blink quickly, looking upwards to stop your tears from escaping. “You aren’t telling me the truth.” 

The accusation in her voice makes you flinch as your eyes meet hers. Even from this distance, you can see the anger swarming in her. You sigh, all energy leaving your body as exhaustion sweeps through you. “Does it matter why?” 

Jack’s mouth hangs open in disbelief. “Does it matter? Of course, it matters!”

“I’m leaving. It’s already done. Can’t you at least pretend to be happy for me?” _God knows I’ve done it enough for you_. Jack huffs and storms off. You release a loud groan, throwing yourself into your desk chair.

“Well, that was certainly something.” Nick quips and you glare at him prompting him to hold his hands up in mock surrender. “Just saying.” 

You sigh, dropping your head to your desk and release a long whine.

\----

She stalks around the office for the next 3 days. She barely even speaks to you and when she does it’s with a short clipped tone. It pisses you off and after she decides to take the stairs instead of sharing an elevator journey together, you’ve finally had enough.

That evening you storm up to her office, slamming the open office door behind you and relishing in the way she jumps in shock. “What the _fuck_ is your problem?” Jack doesn’t react to the venom in your tone just stares back at you as she sits at her desk. “I tell you I’m leaving and you’ve done nothing but rage around the office since! If you’ve got a problem, be an adult, and _speak_ to me about it!” 

“What, so you can just lie to me again?” 

“I told you. I want a change, is that so hard to understand?” You’re pacing now, walking the length of her office as you try to calm yourself down. 

Jack stands from her desk, walking around and cutting off your path. Her eyes narrow as she stares at you. “You’ve always said you love it here. Why would you suddenly want to leave?”

“It’s not sudden. It’s just you’re only just finding out about it.”

“And when did we stop talking about stuff like this? Why didn’t you say you were unhappy here? I could’ve helped!” Jack shouts, eyes flashing with hurt and anger.

“I don’t want your help!” You roar. There’s silence as Jack steps away. She looks as if you’ve slapped her and honestly you might have well had. Rage courses through you as frustrated tears fill your eyes. 

“What the hell do you want then? Because there’s no way you want to leave. These people are your family!” 

“Don’t you think I know that? I was in tears when I told Gibbs but he understands. Everyone understands apart from you!” 

“Because they seem to know the real reason!” You weren’t doing this. You weren’t telling her. There was no way she could ever know. 

“I’ve told you the reason! Why can’t you just accept it?” You’re spluttering and Jack shakes her head, looking away as tears escape down her cheeks. All the tension drops from your shoulders. “Please Jack, please don’t make this harder than it already is.” 

She turns to you, her hand brushing away the tears rolling down your own cheeks and you squeeze your eyes tightly shut in response. She lingers a couple of seconds, before dropping her hand and stepping away as she sighs. Her touch always had the ability to ground you but at the same time set your body on fire. Today it just made your heartache. You don’t understand why she keeps doing this...does she not understand what she’s doing to you?

You don’t look at her, just make your way to the couch to put some distance between the two of you. She stays by her desk, eyes tracking you. “I don’t want to lose you,” Jack speaks barely above a whisper and your eyes snap to her.

“You won’t.”

“I feel like I already have.” You look away at that. She’s right, everything has changed the last few months. She’d been just as distant with you though so you’d assumed she’d been too preoccupied with Sarah to notice. You’d been in a constant fight with yourself with wanting her close and wanting her as far away as possible and it was tearing you apart. “Did I do something?” 

The vulnerability in Jack’s voice makes your mouth wobble. “No. I just- I can’t stay here anymore.” You were scared she’d outright ask you to stay because if she did you weren’t sure you’d have the power to say no. Your willpower was already diminishing every minute you stayed in her office. She moved to the couch, sitting close enough that your legs touched. Your hands are squeezing the fabric of your trousers and Jack reaches out and covers one with her hand. You instantly relax at the touch and she grips tighter, rubbing soothing circles on the top of your hand. You watch her closely, questions swarming in your eyes. 

“Why?” Her eyes bore into yours.

“Please don’t make me say it.” 

“Y/N...” Jack says your name so softly that tears spring to your eyes. She’s so close, her eyes fluttering over your face before focusing on your lips. You quickly pull away, ripping your hands from Jack’s grasp and moving to the other side of the room, fists squeezing tightly as you try to control your swirling emotions.

“You can’t keep doing that.” You listen as she gets off the couch and steps behind you, her hand reaching out lighting touching your back causing you to flinch away. Your eyes plead for her to understand, desperation seeping into your voice as you turn to face her. “It’s not fair. You _touch_ and you _hover_ and you _care_ and then 2 seconds later mention your _girlfriend_.”

“Y/N, I-”

“No! Do you not get how hard I have been trying to keep myself together these past few months? And I was finally getting somewhere, I was finally making progress and then you go and almost kiss me! And you were drunk so I couldn’t be mad but it hurt so much Jack. It hurts and I still don’t know what any of it means!” Tears stream down your face, you can barely see her but you feel when her arms wrap around you. You try to pull away but she just holds you tighter, her hands running over your hair and her tears seeping into your shirt, all your fight leaves you and you relax into her arms. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Jack repeats over and over again as she clings onto you. “I didn’t think you felt the same way.” She sniffs. “I was _so_ tired of pining over you. I spent so much time trying to focus on Sarah, distancing myself from you, but no matter how hard I’ve tried I’m always drawn right back. I started to realise maybe you felt the same but by then I thought it was for the best, that maybe you were better off without me.” 

You pull away, tear-filled eyes stare back at you. A sad sigh escapes your lip as you shake your head. “I could never be better off without you.” 

“Y/N, I’m messy and complicated and too angry and you deserve someone who doesn’t come with all my baggage. You deserve someone who’s better.”

“But that’s up to me to choose Jack. It’s not up to you!” Jack goes to protest but you hold your hand up, halting her. “It doesn’t matter anyway, because you chose Sarah.”

“Because I was too scared to choose you.” You look up, blinking quickly as you take a deep breath to try and control the onset of tears threatening to break free. “We broke up. A couple of weeks ago.” Your eyes snap to Jack, your mouth hanging open in shock. “After our almost kiss I couldn’t get you out of my head and Sarah had finally had enough. She broke up with me and I didn’t tell anyone because I was embarrassed and ashamed and-”

“She’s gone? For good?” Jack nods. “A-and you want me? You’d choose me?” 

“Yes, but Y/N-” You don’t let her finish, grabbing her left hand and pulling her towards you as your other hand cups her cheek and brings her lips to yours. Jack gasps but you swallow the noise. Her fingers dig into your waist as she pulls you flush against her body. The kiss deepens, your tongues fighting for dominance as your tears mix together and your hands find their way to Jack’s hair, you grip it and she releases a deep moan that sets your whole body on fire and sends heat straight between your legs. 

You only pull away once the need to breathe becomes too strong. Foreheads resting together as you both gasp for air. “But what?” 

“Huh?” Jack’s dazed expression brings a smirk to your lips. “I-I don’t remember.” Her eyes fall back to your mouth, her tongue darting out to wet her own lips in the process. You reach out, tucking a strand of her behind her ear. The next kiss is softer and slower as you take the time to explore each other’s mouths. You nip at her lip enjoying the breathy noises you can bring out of her. Jack pushes you backwards by your hips until your bottom hits her desk, you don’t hesitate to spread your legs so she can stand between them. Your hands move to her waist as hers hang around your neck as the kiss deepens. A deep moan that rips from your throat as she pushes her thigh between your legs and her tongue sweeps against yours.

“Jack” You breathe, pulling your mouth from hers.

“Mm?” She hums, her mouth goes in search of yours again but you pull back with a laugh.

“We should stop.” Your eyes flick to the office door and Jack sighs, her bottom lip jutting out in protest. “Anyone could walk in and as much I’m enjoying having you between my legs,” Jack grins and you lean in to whisper in her ear. “I want to take my time exploring every inch of your body and I can’t do that here.” Jack groans, swallowing roughly, her eyes almost black with desire. 

“Right.” She coughs, stepping back slightly but still within your grasp. Your hands sit loosely at her waist. 

“So, what happens now?”

“Well…I’d like to see where this goes, I assume you do too,” You roll your eyes playfully, nodding. “Then we do that. You can start by letting me take you out on a date.” 

You grin. “I think I can manage that.” 

“Good.” Jack smiles softly. You see the hesitation wash over her face and you frown. “And...the job?” 

You swallow roughly. “All the paperwork has already gone through. I’ve signed the contract with the DOD.” 

“I can get Leon to pull some strings, you wouldn’t have to leave.” You bite your lip. Jack’s face drops and she steps back out of your grasp. “Unless you want to?” 

“I don’t know. I need to think about it.” Jack nods but the disappointment and confusion are clear on her face. “The original reason for me leaving was, uh...”

“Because of me.”

You nod slightly. “I’ve been distracted, my instincts slacking because I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” You release a self-deprecating laugh at that.

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologise, it’s not your fault I fell hopelessly in love with you.” Jack gasps, her eyes watering. You clear your throat awkwardly, ducking your head as your words catch up with you. “I shouldn’t have said-”

“I-I love you too.” Your own eyes shine with tears. Jack reaches forward, her hand brushing your cheek as she presses a soft kiss against your lips. You smile softly at one another. “Sorry, uh, you were saying?” Jack doesn’t pull away as far this time.

“Right...It really is a great opportunity and I think I want to at least see where it could go.”

Jack nods. “The DOD is great and your own team, I understand the appeal.” 

“But you don’t want me to go?”

“Of course not.” Jack smiles softly at you. “But you should, your face lit up when you spoke about it and anyway NCIS will always be here if you want to come back.” 

“They’ll replace me-” 

“I can have you back with one phone call to Leon,” Jack smirks and you break out into laughter, you pull her in close and place a kiss on her lips despite both of your wide smiles. 

“So you’re okay with it?” 

“I mean...I don’t _love_ it but I love you,” Your heart flutters in your chest, it feels weird to hear her say those words again. “and I want to see you happy, so yes, I’m more than okay with it.” All your tension seeps away, your eyes watering as you smile.

“Thank you.” You breathe. As much as you’d like to pretend it didn’t, Jack’s opinion meant a lot to you and you don’t know what you’d have done if she hadn’t agreed with it. You huff a breath. “Today’s been quite a day huh?” 

Jack laughs. “I wouldn’t change it, not when I now have you in my arms.” She rolls her eyes at herself. “God, that was cheesy.” 

You smirk. “I like cheesy.”

“Well don’t get used to it.”

“I wouldn’t dare.” At Jack’s smile, you can’t help yourself, you pull her in for another kiss. Making sure to draw it out, kissing her softly and slowly before pulling away with a nip to her bottom lip. “Could get used to that though.” 

Jack hums. “Now who sounds cheesy.” She doesn’t give you time to respond, instead, pulling you back in for another kiss. 

Mmm. You could definitely get used to this.


End file.
